arbitrary ruminations

- my oldest daughter will be 16 in 1 week and she has a car and when i see her in it i get all gooey and nostalgic for when she was little. once she was so excited to see me she jumped up on me and bit me. not out of toddler bitchiness but just so plain happy she couldn't control herself. have you ever felt that way? so in love you want to squeeze hard...HARD until it hurts!

- i am basically working 2 full time jobs. i am tired but i'm having fun. i love what i do. i love pictures and photoshop and learning and growing.

- the couch in my living room is beautiful but i cant sit on it for more than 10 minutes without severe neck and shoulder pain. fashion vs. comfort.

- that super cute drummer girl rebuilt my closet and it looks like the making of an ikea display. organized, cute, tidy, sleek, space saving....all that!

- i am going on a trip to a state above florida for thanksgiving. i cannot say which one presently because it is a surprise for someone i know but i can say that it is guaranteed to be colder than florida. i only own 2 sweaters. so this holiday will be spent away from my family which is a not too often occurance. my mother, my sister....last time i was away, i called them from texas crying. homesick. hopefully with my children and the drummer girl and the festivities of friends and food and drink....i will be thankful for where i am in the company i am keeping!

- last weekend i was in new jersey for a wedding with susan. the planner for the wedding had shoes that were monogrammed. you know how it goes; big letter in center, 2 smaller letters on each side. her shoes when put together said...

no joke! i've got witnesses. she said she bought them from gucci because they made her smile.

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Tuesday, November 18, 2008

dinner and a car.... 8:37 AM

chelsea turns 16 this month. she saved her money for a year....her dad and i matched it to get her a car. we surprised her after dinner.

the car had a hat and bow on it and what she said here was..."look at that car, it looks silly!" before she realized it was for her!

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Tuesday, October 28, 2008

hiatus 12:12 PM

not feeling the love these days, zannel will be my stand in...

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Monday, October 20, 2008

old habits die hard... 10:16 AM

i used to be a smoker, years ago. i was never a "pack-a-day" kind of smoker but i did smoke daily. in the beginning of quitting, there was this constant nagging and craving and after awhile the feelings of crazy-need began to space out, slowly.

really, its exactly like ending a relationship.

i remember the first time i realized..."wow, i went alllll day yesterday and didn't think about having a cigarette even once!" vis a vis "hmmm, i havent thought of calling so-and-so all day!"

AND it was always hardest when:

even after being quit for months, i would do something that i hadn't done since the days of smoke, like camping.

i went camping. it was the first time in a year and i hadn't puffed on a cigarette in a long time. sitting by the fire, i could feel the urge, the pull...

i do the the same thing with past love. when i go somewhere or eat something or feel the sun on my face in the coolness of fall, whatever. these sensations stir up feelings from my past.

when a relationship is over, its just like not smoking anymore. you still crave it even when you know it isnt healthy!

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Tuesday, October 14, 2008

moving on... 12:22 PM

i have inner dialogue happening....i am not an empty shell but is it so strange that i don't feel compelled to "sit with" things or "process" information extensively?

i do not dwell on negative things if i can help it and i try not to suppress either. i don't give energy to things that do not need power over me. i notice, acknowledge, let it go.

i can't linger over an issue and mull it over, roll it around in my head, debate with myself and others. focus on and feed....

here are my simple personal goals:

- for my family and myself to be content and healthy

- to have a successful business and be comfortable

- to have new life experiences daily!

- to travel

- to laugh with friends

- to feel overwhelming love and affection

- to sleep good and night and feel rested when i wake

does this make me shallow or frivolous?

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We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are.
-Anais Nin